Quarter Life Crisis !!!

I turned 25 on June 9,2011.I was woken up by my parents, who wished me "happy birthday", and dragged me out of bed. I started off my day with a visit to the temples, and returned home to find a big party being arranged by my aunt at her place. The presence of my parents, bro, cousin, sis-in-law, grandma, and other relatives made it a very special affair for me. It was a memorable day, and I had my aunt to thank for, for making it a special day in my life. Unlike last year, I had decided to spend my birthday with my parents and relatives. I planned my holidays accordingly. Birthday's have always been a very silent affair for me. My friends broke the trend last year, throwing me a surprise party. Perhaps the sweetest memory I had in my two years of IIT life.

However, birthday wishes from unexpected quarters brightened my day further. Sreetama, was the first to call me at 12 am, followed by Ashish. I knew more were to come. However, no one called until morning, and I was again surprised to see an SMS from Pradeep. I received another call from Sharmada, and I knew more were supposed to come. There was no word from my five dearest friends..Gaudhaman, Abhijith,Sourav, Sindhu and Krishnakali..I was a little disturbed, and I dropped an SMS to all five with the following content:

"This is ur last and final chance to wish me on my 25th bday. Hurry !!! offer valid till 11.59pm today"

Abhijith called me immediately,wished me and chided me for not posting my bday on FB, followed by Sindhu, who was really sorry for missing the date. Krishnakali called me a little later with a rhetorical tone asking me "Why, no one wished you or what ?". I was a little shaken, and by the time I thought of an answer, she had wished me, and I hung up thanking her for calling. She followed it up with an SMS that left me awestruck. Gaudhaman was down with severe food poisoning and he was on sedatives. He rang me, and blamed it on the sedatives for having put in sleep for almost 12 hrs. However, the sad part was, Sourav, could not call me, as he was super busy with his marriage preparations.

Now, an obvious question would prop up in the readers mind, why am I writing about this at 4am in the morning after more than a month? Today, my friends Sreetama, Abhijith, Gaudhaman and krishnakali outsmarted me, and gifted me a Shirt. I had expressed my disapproval to the trio Sreetama, Abhijith, and Gaudhaman against any such celebrations, but they went ahead,bought the gift and tricked me into going to MoD with them. It was a pleasant surprise (or was it?) and it left me thinking how much they care for me. I am sure a huge void would be created in my life when Gaudhaman leaves IIT for Germany. He was a younger brother to me, one whom I used to scold, advise, and listen to. I guess he was privileged to get the odd slap from me once !!! There is also some talk about Abhijith and Sreetama too leaving IIT. Abhijith, is more like a mentor to me. He advised me on the nuances of maintaining personal relations, when all I bothered about was maintaining Professional relations. Sreetama,is a confidante, who chides me, if I am wrong and supports me all along, if I am right about something. These are gaping holes which cannot be easily filled. The very fact, that I would miss all three of them in the nearby future is making me jittery.

Many of my friends had asked me recently why I had suddenly become serious. I can only tell you that I am preparing for the impending transition that is going to happen in my life. I am the one who will face it, and hence, I need to be better equipped. I need to learn to live without a little brother around, I need to live without a mentor, and I should do away with a confidante. I have reasons to worry about, and at times it just translates into my basic nature. Well, I apologize to those friends who found it little irksome. Well I guess, this is what they call quarter life crisis !!!

Love Letter to Data

Dear Data,

Not a single day goes by, where I do not stare into the abyss, waiting to see you. You walked in and out of my life like a storm, and I have been waiting for you ever since. My life would be incomplete without you, and you have become an integral part of my life.

The sheer possibility of seeing you makes my day. Once or twice you came so close by, but you were oblivious to my existence. Everyday I embark on a frantic search, a search which will last until I find you. You have always been an enigma, and I wish I could decipher the enigma. You are the driving force of my life, and the sheer thought of you enthralls me.

The audacity with which you walk in, without any premonition startles me, but I bask in your exuberance. We are made for each other. Together we can be a force to reckon with, scaling heights, and be happy in each others presence.

I invite you, my dear data, into my life. Hope you would respond to this letter.


With tons of love,

Sandeep S S

Close to heart

Another semester is drawing to a close. Last couple of weeks have been fabulous. I was getting back to serious work, India was winning matches, I had started playing tennis, football with my hostel mates; everything was looking up. I am happy in my little world, the people around me making my day on most occassions. A tad disappointment still lingers deep down though. From being an introvert, my transition has been quite dramatic. From someone who minced his words, I have become someone who enjoys talking to people (to put it in relativistic terms, I blabber a lot these days !!!). My friends were always there for me offering support and lend me an ear, when I was going through a rough path. I really thank Sreetama, and Gaudhaman, for lending a patient ear and offering me advice whenever I needed them.

A sincere apology to Rohit for throwing my attitude at him. I really did not mean to hurt you, it was a little miscommunication. The last couple of months, I was really irritable and was not managing my temper very well. I was losing my temper so often, unlike before. I had always kept my temper under wraps for almost 8yrs now, and over the last few months I was losing it quite often. My mind was cluttered, I was lost in sea of thoughts, and I was really missing my dear ones. I was losing focus, and was in a deep slumber. I had almost never lost my temper on my friends, and here I was, losing it on a few. I pondered for a few days, as to what was happening with me.

An internal turmoil was going on. My logical reasoning had taken a back seat, and I was being driven by emotion. My notions about right and wrong were being questioned, and above all, my basic character was put under the hammer. My sanity was questioned at times. I started wondering, whether i was doing things wrong, despite my conviction telling me otherwise. Things no longer looked simple. It dawned on me that I was carrying a huge baggage with me. I was never put under the scanner like this ever before. I was going through too much indecisiveness. There was lack of clarity, and vision, and I could see no light at the end of the tunnel. I was stressed, stressed like hell !!!

It was some concerted effort from my friends, Sreetama, Gaudhaman, and dude "Prajith" who helped me come out of the 'soup', I was taking myself into. Friends they are, and am sure they will always be there for me. Thank you guys, for helping me out. I owe you big time :)

The much needed boost

I had this grand plan of making at least one entry per month in this blog. However, I was not able to live up to my own expectations. I was busy could be the easiest answer I can offer to convince myself. The fact remains something else. I had my semester break in december, and hence was absolutely jobless. I spent the one month break, traveling for almost two weeks with friends and family, and rest of the time in campus was spent on mindless movie watching and chatting over omegle.com. For people who are guessing what omegle.com is, it is a stranger chat website.

Classes resumed in January, and initial two weeks was fun. Less work, less course load etc, and I had ample time to write. However, I could not. I was not falling into the groove. However as days progressed, things started getting hectic, and I was no longer in the frame of mind to write a blog post.

I have my next mid semester exams starting in three days. Today, I was motivated by my friend and colleague Karthick Murukesan, who was appreciating my style of writing, and was inquiring why am I not writing anymore. His compliment was a much needed boost for me. I am going through a bad patch, and his words had the much needed positive vibes associated with it. My heartfelt thanks to Karthick for telling me those words. It was a much needed boost to my confidence, which was dipping with each passing day.

Looking forward to writing more often. Thanks for reading the post. Cya Soon.

One down -- Five to go !!!

Lost in a sea of books and notes, with no shore in sight, November 2010, redefined me. I have always taken pride about maintaining proper habits, like sleeping early, rising early, having proper food etc (food part is hugely debatable). Returning to IIT after my bro's wedding in late October, I was welcomed back by a huge chunk of assignments and quizzes. I guessed a week of late night studies and night outs would suffice and then I could return to my normal routine. Weeks passed, it was exams after exams, assignments after assignments, and eventually end semester exams. Too use the much clichéd term of this generation, I was too loaded.

Marred by an erratic lifestyle and hours of flipping through text books, I was gearing up for the final showdown. The objective was well defined, "Pass the exam". I told myself that I shall start worrying about grades from next semester onwards. Somehow, I wanted to get done with this semester, which was marked by some flop shows in mid semester exam. With a clear goal in mind, I was preparing for the exam, and the stressful lifestyle took its toll on me. Add to my woes, my seminar date was fixed on the day of my last exam which meant, I had to make my report during the break between the first two and last two exams. With some 20 odd research papers to read and 14 odd pages of report to type, the writing was on the wall, "Work like a dog". So did I. Close to 40 hrs of work on the report, and my mind and body was falling apart. I had to stop. I submitted my report for comments, and resumed with my exam preparations.

Coming back to the exams, the first exam was somewhat manageable and was tough as expected, no surprises there. The second one was tough beyond expectations and was marred by the fact that, I failed to recollect topics which I had studied before the exam. It was an absolute shocker. Keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that I will pass the exam. The third exam, for which I have already received my scores was reasonable, except for the fact that the failure to recollect was haunting me. I casted doubts on my memory and my doubts were proved right, when I wrote the fourth exam. I could not recollect a problem, which I had solved just the day before the exam. It was too much to take. Disgusted with myself, I could not find what was going wrong with me. Was it the lack of sleep or erratic lifestyle that took its toll on my memory power? I have no idea. Looking back, I feel, those marks were there for the taking, but, 'so near, yet so far'.

While writing this entry, I realize that my health has taken a severe beating, and I need to improve on my health as soon as possible, to keep myself sharp and agile. My memory, a mainstay in all my academic successes over the years, needs to be brought back to the helm. Looking ahead to the next five semesters, I realize, I should plan and manage myself better amidst the tiring routine. The x-factor being, managing myself better !!!

Mid Sem disaster -- A follow up

I had an one on one discussion with Prof Ramgopal Rao. It was a fruitful discussion. He made it a point to convince me of my mistakes, and at the same time accepted my predicament, which was indeed heart warming. He offered some valuable tips, and gave me a pep talk, which has brought about a new lease of life in me.

The week was also interesting. A week where in I could do away a lot of misconceptions about people and life at IIT. A week wherein I made it up to my friend, and of course, the role of my best buddy cannot be overlooked in it. He was the mediator. Thanks buddy!!!
It was a week, when I got in touch with my best buddies from Siemens. They are the ones, to whom I turn to, in times of distress. They have always been there for me, whenever I needed them the most. They are indeed my friends for life.

The highlight of the week however being, the fact that I attended an Art of Living refresher course, on tuesday, after a long hiatus. The session though physically demanding, eased my stress levels, and brought in more clarity to my thoughts.I would like to extend my sincere thanks to my friend for taking me to the class.

So here I am, a week which I expected to be traumatic, has turned out quite well.

Midsem Disaster

It was my first examination in IIT, the mid semester exams. One and half months had gone by in a jiffy. Exams were a reality again, and I had to go through it painfully. Post graduation in IIT, i felt, is an exercise at gaining knowledge rather than just about exams. The recently concluded mid semester exam has created a radical shift in my perception.

I had taken four courses for the semester. The load seems to be well balanced, apart from the occasional slogging in lab. The classes were all phenomenal, being taught by stalwarts in the respective fields. The mid semester exams were a tough nut to crack, and I enjoyed, making an effort to crack the questions, but not with much success. However though, there was this one paper, VLSI technology, which was far better than all the other three exams. I had pinned my hopes on the paper for some marks. All my money was on VLSI technology.

Last friday, Oct 1,2010, has all the offerings of being the most important day of my academic life. The scripts for the VLSI technology paper was distributed, and I had managed a meager 32/100. I had huge aspirations of anything above 75/100, and to get less than half of it was like a slap on the face. I could not believe my eyes, as I skimmed through the pages of the scripts. The TA's had done a remarkable job, evaluating the scripts, making sure that most of us bled. I could not believe my eyes, when I saw the answers, which I presumed to be right were marked incorrect with utmost ease. I had to fight it out with a couple of TA's and they offered me an additional 8 marks, taking my tally to 40/100. My conviction still told me, there was another 20 more marks, that I deserved. The TA,whom I knew before hand told me, that my process is difficult to do in a fab, and asked me to do it in any fab and convince him. I had nothing to say to such a heavy headed jerk, who will indeed realize in the long run, the difficulties of trying to get his so called optimized process running in fab. My best wishes to him. To hell with him, I left the place, with a heavy heart, absolutely shattered, and disgusted. I felt as if I lost all my races, and if this was the case with a subject,in which I had practical knowledge, what would happen to other subjects like VLSI design, and physics of devices. My mind was brimming with thoughts and I was at the verge of a break down. My confidence levels were shattered, and I had seen a deep hollow in front of me.

I rang up my mother and told about what had just transpired and I broke down, on the phone, like a little child who had got lost in the road. My mother reassured me, and handed over the phone to my father, who convinced me that failures are stepping stones to success. He asked me to calm down. He knew how to deal with me, during such times of crisis. He had taken me up from deep slumber, one I lost my job with Siemens. He was the one who always motivated me at times of distress, here again he could pacify me. My parents are indeed my pillars of support

My friends who spotted me at a corner crying over the phone, came to me and offered their sympathies. I am grateful to them for their efforts. However, hard I tried to take it in my stride, I could not accept the very fact, and this was fueling more negativity. There was this one friend of mine who gave me this lecture on the importance of being positive, and accepting it as a lesson and move forward. I would say the comments offered were clichéd, which almost everyone knew. The friend went to the extent of calling me a crack, and urged me to be selfish, and move forward. Anyway, all these apart, I have got an appointment with the Professor, who would hopefully help me realize my mistakes and convince me to strive for further excellence.

Looking forward to a traumatic week ahead. Will update soon !!!