One down -- Five to go !!!

Lost in a sea of books and notes, with no shore in sight, November 2010, redefined me. I have always taken pride about maintaining proper habits, like sleeping early, rising early, having proper food etc (food part is hugely debatable). Returning to IIT after my bro's wedding in late October, I was welcomed back by a huge chunk of assignments and quizzes. I guessed a week of late night studies and night outs would suffice and then I could return to my normal routine. Weeks passed, it was exams after exams, assignments after assignments, and eventually end semester exams. Too use the much clichéd term of this generation, I was too loaded.

Marred by an erratic lifestyle and hours of flipping through text books, I was gearing up for the final showdown. The objective was well defined, "Pass the exam". I told myself that I shall start worrying about grades from next semester onwards. Somehow, I wanted to get done with this semester, which was marked by some flop shows in mid semester exam. With a clear goal in mind, I was preparing for the exam, and the stressful lifestyle took its toll on me. Add to my woes, my seminar date was fixed on the day of my last exam which meant, I had to make my report during the break between the first two and last two exams. With some 20 odd research papers to read and 14 odd pages of report to type, the writing was on the wall, "Work like a dog". So did I. Close to 40 hrs of work on the report, and my mind and body was falling apart. I had to stop. I submitted my report for comments, and resumed with my exam preparations.

Coming back to the exams, the first exam was somewhat manageable and was tough as expected, no surprises there. The second one was tough beyond expectations and was marred by the fact that, I failed to recollect topics which I had studied before the exam. It was an absolute shocker. Keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that I will pass the exam. The third exam, for which I have already received my scores was reasonable, except for the fact that the failure to recollect was haunting me. I casted doubts on my memory and my doubts were proved right, when I wrote the fourth exam. I could not recollect a problem, which I had solved just the day before the exam. It was too much to take. Disgusted with myself, I could not find what was going wrong with me. Was it the lack of sleep or erratic lifestyle that took its toll on my memory power? I have no idea. Looking back, I feel, those marks were there for the taking, but, 'so near, yet so far'.

While writing this entry, I realize that my health has taken a severe beating, and I need to improve on my health as soon as possible, to keep myself sharp and agile. My memory, a mainstay in all my academic successes over the years, needs to be brought back to the helm. Looking ahead to the next five semesters, I realize, I should plan and manage myself better amidst the tiring routine. The x-factor being, managing myself better !!!

Mid Sem disaster -- A follow up

I had an one on one discussion with Prof Ramgopal Rao. It was a fruitful discussion. He made it a point to convince me of my mistakes, and at the same time accepted my predicament, which was indeed heart warming. He offered some valuable tips, and gave me a pep talk, which has brought about a new lease of life in me.

The week was also interesting. A week where in I could do away a lot of misconceptions about people and life at IIT. A week wherein I made it up to my friend, and of course, the role of my best buddy cannot be overlooked in it. He was the mediator. Thanks buddy!!!
It was a week, when I got in touch with my best buddies from Siemens. They are the ones, to whom I turn to, in times of distress. They have always been there for me, whenever I needed them the most. They are indeed my friends for life.

The highlight of the week however being, the fact that I attended an Art of Living refresher course, on tuesday, after a long hiatus. The session though physically demanding, eased my stress levels, and brought in more clarity to my thoughts.I would like to extend my sincere thanks to my friend for taking me to the class.

So here I am, a week which I expected to be traumatic, has turned out quite well.

Midsem Disaster

It was my first examination in IIT, the mid semester exams. One and half months had gone by in a jiffy. Exams were a reality again, and I had to go through it painfully. Post graduation in IIT, i felt, is an exercise at gaining knowledge rather than just about exams. The recently concluded mid semester exam has created a radical shift in my perception.

I had taken four courses for the semester. The load seems to be well balanced, apart from the occasional slogging in lab. The classes were all phenomenal, being taught by stalwarts in the respective fields. The mid semester exams were a tough nut to crack, and I enjoyed, making an effort to crack the questions, but not with much success. However though, there was this one paper, VLSI technology, which was far better than all the other three exams. I had pinned my hopes on the paper for some marks. All my money was on VLSI technology.

Last friday, Oct 1,2010, has all the offerings of being the most important day of my academic life. The scripts for the VLSI technology paper was distributed, and I had managed a meager 32/100. I had huge aspirations of anything above 75/100, and to get less than half of it was like a slap on the face. I could not believe my eyes, as I skimmed through the pages of the scripts. The TA's had done a remarkable job, evaluating the scripts, making sure that most of us bled. I could not believe my eyes, when I saw the answers, which I presumed to be right were marked incorrect with utmost ease. I had to fight it out with a couple of TA's and they offered me an additional 8 marks, taking my tally to 40/100. My conviction still told me, there was another 20 more marks, that I deserved. The TA,whom I knew before hand told me, that my process is difficult to do in a fab, and asked me to do it in any fab and convince him. I had nothing to say to such a heavy headed jerk, who will indeed realize in the long run, the difficulties of trying to get his so called optimized process running in fab. My best wishes to him. To hell with him, I left the place, with a heavy heart, absolutely shattered, and disgusted. I felt as if I lost all my races, and if this was the case with a subject,in which I had practical knowledge, what would happen to other subjects like VLSI design, and physics of devices. My mind was brimming with thoughts and I was at the verge of a break down. My confidence levels were shattered, and I had seen a deep hollow in front of me.

I rang up my mother and told about what had just transpired and I broke down, on the phone, like a little child who had got lost in the road. My mother reassured me, and handed over the phone to my father, who convinced me that failures are stepping stones to success. He asked me to calm down. He knew how to deal with me, during such times of crisis. He had taken me up from deep slumber, one I lost my job with Siemens. He was the one who always motivated me at times of distress, here again he could pacify me. My parents are indeed my pillars of support

My friends who spotted me at a corner crying over the phone, came to me and offered their sympathies. I am grateful to them for their efforts. However, hard I tried to take it in my stride, I could not accept the very fact, and this was fueling more negativity. There was this one friend of mine who gave me this lecture on the importance of being positive, and accepting it as a lesson and move forward. I would say the comments offered were clichéd, which almost everyone knew. The friend went to the extent of calling me a crack, and urged me to be selfish, and move forward. Anyway, all these apart, I have got an appointment with the Professor, who would hopefully help me realize my mistakes and convince me to strive for further excellence.

Looking forward to a traumatic week ahead. Will update soon !!!

Meeshu minus Meesha

A word on the title, for people who don't understand malayalam, Meesha means Mustache.
I had a whole lot of nicknames attributed to my moustache, over the last few years. My moustache always used to be a talking point among my friends. Some used to loath over the fact that I have one, and they don't. Others would say, I should try out various combinations of mustache and beard, and there was this doctor friend of mine, who went to the extent of commenting on the androgen levels in my body !!! The fact of the matter being, anyone on who knew me could easily attribute the thick mustache to identify me.

However, the point in contention is how i lost the mustache. My father always insisted that I should maintain my moustache. He always wanted me to trim it regularly, and keep it in check. After my midsem exams at IIT, I came to trivandrum for a couple of days. My father as always, told me to get a proper shave, a hair cut, and trim my mustache. I was too lazy to get the hair cut done, and trim the moustache, but did manage to shave my beard. Today morning, my father told that he ll help with the trimming, and asked me to bring a scissors. I gave him the scissor, and he started trimming my moustache. I knew there was some massive destruction going on, but I did not bother to look up in the mirror. Instead, I asked my mother,(who was not wearing her glasses) how it was? She responded with a nod, and my father kept working on it for another couple of minutes, and he told, it is done !!!

I walked to the mirror and found that, I was looking different. My moustache had been cut to size, and it resembled more like hitler's moustache. I guess that looked better. I walked to my mother and complained, and she told, she had not seen then.Father, seemed least bothered about the state of moustache, and was getting ready to leave for office. Having realized the grim state of my moustache, I decided to work on it on my own, I made some more modifications,and things went worse. In the meantime, I took a shower, and was preparing to leave for temple with my mother and brother. My brother, who was at sea as to what was going around, came downstairs,looked at me and started laughing. He issued a warning that,"if you want to come with me, you need to shave off your worse than hitler moustache". I became conscious of how bad the mustache was hence i decided to do away with the mustache, for the first time in my life :)

Back to Books and Exams !!!

After two months of sabbatical i return to the world of blogging. I had no other option but to take a break. The month of june and july was rife with interview and report submissions. I could find time to blog, but could not find the drive to blog. July was a memorable month, a month that reinstated my faith in the almighty, a month which could perhaps change my life for ever.

Yes, I am talking about the admission to the MTech program at IITB. My written test and interview went bad, but divine intervention, I secured admission for MTech. My long time friend and current roomie Prajith was with me while i was going through the trauma. My brash overconfidence could well be blamed for the fiasco. Let Bygones be gones, cliched right!!!

Moving on; my classes commenced on 22nd july. Four courses, I took, and I had made up my mind to do a PhD at IITB subsequent to my master's(after two years). Things moved on quietly, class after class, assignments, quizzes, and finally midsem!!! Midsem, exams were a shocker, with the exception of one. Every two hour spent writing the exam drained me completely, though the experience was enthralling. The mid sem exams made me realize,there were gaping holes in my preparation style. I decided, it was high time for a break, and here I am, in my hometown, for a short visit to revitalize and gear up for the end sems in November.

Happy Birthday

Over the past few weeks, I had contemplated on the futility of relationships, especially Friendship. In the process of introspection, I had hurt a few of my friends, who had no clue on my abrupt change. I had jotted down the dilemma in one of the blog post too.

Coming back to the point in contention. Birthdays for me has always been a private affair. Hailing from an average middle class family, my parents always instilled the importance of a mediocrity in life. My parents, and my brother. There were no cakes, or gifts. A visit to the temple, and mom's special dishes were the order of the day. This year, it was different.

This is the first birthday, I am celebrating away from home. I knew, I would miss my visit to temple, and not to mention, my mother's cooking. A sense of longing dawned on me, but a trip to Kerala at this juncture, was out of question. I guessed, it would be one of those birthdays to forget.My friends had other plans !!!

It began with a cake cutting ceremony at 12am. My friends, Abhijith and Gaudham, took the responsibility of keeping me awake till then. Krishnakali/ KK, I guess, was instrumental in organizing the 'Birthday kind of situation'. Ashish Bhai, Aradhana, and Sreetama joined the party. It was memorable to say the least. At midnight they wanted me to deliver a birthday speech and hence I vouched, I would write a small tribute in my blog.

"Guys, it is the first birthday cake I am cutting in 24 years. Not blowing off the candle, and cutting the cake reinforces the very same fact. The pineapple cake, The fast track watch, the birthday card, the prank with the gift, birthday bumps, and 'pastry facial' made my day. It fills my mind to know that you guys had put in so much effort to organize this. This 24th birthday would have a special place in my heart. Thanks a lot guys for making it truly memorable."

Turbulence

The signs were ominous. I was getting more edgy. My patience threshold was dropping down, I was losing out on my ability to be affable with people. A cause effect analysis revealed the cause being, frustration at work. Today was one of those days when the situation went overboard.

June 2,2010, had the perfect start. A disturbed sleep, thanks to the long power shut down at midnight. Woke up in the morning with a heavy head. Took a shower, felt a lot better and prepared a long list of experiments for the day. I left the hostel at 8.30am with truckloads of enthusiasm, and had my first set of experiment slotted for 9.30am. It was a SEM imaging. I prepared my samples, and rang up the MTech student(who too had lost his sleep owing to power cut) reminding him about the appointment. The guy came at sharp 9.30am, and we went inside the clean room.

The SEM tool, being from Raith Instruments gmbh, is known as Raith. Raith is a tool which is usually never turned off. It has a long power back up. Once turned off, it need a few hours to attain the vacuum levels.

Inside the clean room, we found that Raith was turned off. The long power cut at night made sure that the system had shut itself down, much my dismay. The information was passed on the system owner, who asked us wait until she/other expert users came over and turned it on. Good news it was, and we decided to wait. A phone call broke the silence of the lab, and we were told that there would be another power shutdown for two hours in the morning. The writing was on the wall. I knew this was going to be one of those days, when nothing would go right. With whatever optimism was left in me, I told myself, there is more to go in the list, I can at least finish one of the tasks planned for the day.

It was one of those days !!!. Next in the exhaustive list was I-V measurement slated for the evening. I rang up the guy, a good friend, to ask about the status. To my horror, he informed me that he was out of town for the day, and his train was getting delayed, which meant, I had to postpone my measurements to the next day. Another one down!!!

I checked my list for the most viable option, and went around hunting for people to help me out. As if to add salt to my wound, I found that the person in charge, was on leave for the day !!! This was it, this had to stop.It had reached a culmination.

I packed my bags and left the lab at 4.30pm. I felt as if I had enough negativity for the day.
Here I am, in the confines of my messy hostel room, venting my fury on the keyboard. Sorry dear reader, if I bored you to death, but after all this blog has served the purpose of a personal diary too :)