In the line of fire

A spontaneous decision, followed by days of introspection. The smoke had lifted and I was no longer plunging into the abyss. The lure of money, luxury had me on my toes. I had almost made up my mind and sent out a mail on 16-11-09 to my friends stating my decision.

Dear All,

I had an interview at Automotive Research Association of India (ARAI), Pune on 12-11-2009. The interview went well, and I got selected. This is a semi government organization and they are into applied R&D. Hence I would be moving over to Pune by first week of December. I am yet to receive their confirmatory mail.

The options available for me if I continue in IIT would be a 3yr MTech prgm in VLSI. I am certain that my patience would run out within that time frame. 3 more years in Mumbai would drive me nuts. Hence I decided to make a career for myself, and then if time permits pursue higher studies after a few years, be it MBA or MTech.

I received their confirmatory mail in the subsequent days, with the date of joining as 01-01-2010. Let me shed more light on the subject. The offer was 10k per month for an year, plus one time incentive of 70k. On completion of an year, the offer would be 60k per month. A spicy offer for a BTech graduate with little or no experience in the industry. I was lured. I had decided to forfeit my fellowship and leave IIT forever.

The fellowship at IIT is more of a studentship, with no classes and exams. You get to design and perform your own experiments, and report the result to your Professor. I was thoroughly enjoying my job, every minute of it. Failures and successes were part of it. Every result was a lesson learned for another set of experiments. It was during that period when a string of failures as well as some personal setbacks made me frustrated. I felt I needed a change and the call letter for interview came in. A real blessing and I decided to take leave for a day and attend the interview. I took the train to Pune, and found my way to this place on top of a hill. An exotic location for a research institution, I thought. The interview went well, and the panelists queried about my patent at Siemens, and the look of content on their face said it all. I returned to Mumbai the very same evening, with a sense of satisfaction. I resumed my experiments from the very next day onwards.

As days progressed, I was becoming more and more apprehensive about my decision. The inner voice sounded skeptical about my decision. Two mighty forces were at loggerheads, the free mind and the rational mind. The battle went on for a few days, and a resolution was no where in sight. I would say odds favored the 'free mind' .I was uncertain. I rang my parents and explained my precarious situation. The very same evening they expressed their opinion. They wanted me to pursue higher studies and hence continue at IIT. The battle had come to an abrupt halt, and a sense of victory prevailed in me. I am victorious, I felt and now, I had n-number of reasons to convince my rational mind. A few of them being,

• It is not very often one gets a chance to pursue higher studies at IIT. It is a privilege.
• If Mumbai could drive me nuts, why can't Pune? Would I opt for change then?
• I have no plans of settling in Pune, and I plan to return to Kerala after studies. My parents are all alone at home, and either me or my bro got to be there at hometown. My bro's job doesn't give him that luxury.Teaching is a profession I would thoroughly enjoy. I went to the s/w field not out of choice but by chance.
• Knowledge is power.How much money do you need to live?
• I thoroughly enjoy my work here. It would be treachery leaving my work and leaving.
  

The frivolousness of my decision to leave IIT dawned on me. The clouds had blown over, and there was sunshine. I have made up my mind, and there is more clarity on what I want in life. There is no more conflict, and the road ahead though arduous, is clear.

Dear Reader ,if philosophy bores you, please skip the next para:

As I see, every tidbits in life has some meaning associated with it. The message may not be clear, but once you decipher the puzzle, everything makes sense to you. The world would be a wonderful place to live, if we start listening to our inner voice. Often, it is the logical mind that emerges victorious. The mind which talks about numbers, dollars, luxuries, chicks, booze etc. Eventually, it boils down to personal preferences. The crux being, never do anything against your inner voice. Remorse would set in at a later stage, and then you shuttle across centers that promise, 'peace of mind', a flourishing business these days.

October 2009

Dilemma, Chaos, emotional turbulence; October 2009, had me on my toes. I was frustrated, at times distraught, and on most occasions I did not have a convincing reason for the same.

Work Place:

It was not too hectic like the previous month, thanks to numerous equipments which went down. October,'09 witnessed the maximum equipment failures in our lab, and hence my basic work flow had to be stalled. At times I felt bored with nothing to do, and hence used to spend hours before the computer browsing the net, searching for papers, logging into facebook or twitter. My Professor, a true professional, realizing my predicament, directed me to spend more time in the lab assisting the system owners to debug the faulty equipments. I was always looking forward to getting my hands on some high tech equipment. The Plasma Immersion Ion Implanter, as it is called, is my new guinea pig. I am assisting my colleague to sort the issues out with the system.

The last few days of oct'09 was fruitful, I got some interesting results on my solar cell process and hence I was contented. The icing on the cake being, I could convince my professor to a new experiment, which I hope to commence by first week of November.
Perhaps the idle days at the start of this month had made me a bit annoyed and hence frustrated. It seemed to me as if I was directionless. Not knowing what to do next brought in those fears of an impending storm. This anxiety may have eventually transfigured into a chaotic state of mind.The inability to convince myself that Patience, and Optimism are two essential components in research also added to my woes.

At Home:

Oct'09, I had been to Trivandrum twice. Dusshera holidays gave me enough time to plan for a trip home. I had a great time home with my dear ones. Not a speck of dissatisfaction. I came back to IIT on Oct 5, '09. Coming back from home is always an emotional ordeal.
Oct 13, '09 I received a call from home saying that my cousin (not a direct cousin though) had met with an accident at Salem, and passed away.
Sabari was more than cousin to me and my bro. He was our school mate, we used to travel in the same bus, had spend so much time together as kids. He was the one who introduced us to the world of TV video games, he had a 'Balbaro' cricket bat and we used to play with him for so long. In the course of time, we had to go our separate ways, our careers, exams, and all those ensured we couldn't even meet for years. Sitting alone in my hostel room (my roomie went home for diwali), all those images flashed across my mind. I had no one to share my grief with. I was totally down, with tears rolling down my cheek. A state of numbness ensued and the realization that I could not go down to attend the funeral pained me. Two days went by, thinking about the state of mind, the near and dear of his family would be in. I couldn't take it anymore, and I asked my professor whether I could go home for a couple of days, who was more than willing to give me the permission. I called up my dad, and expressed my desire to come down. He too agreed, and finally, I managed a flight via Bangalore to Trivandrum on Oct 16 '09. From the airport, my brother picked me up and we went directly to Sabari's house. I met up with his mother, and she was inconsolable on seeing me. The recollection of the same fills my eyes with tears.
Having spent the next three days visiting Sabari's house, I realized it was time for a some piece of mind. I needed to gather myself, and put my thoughts in perspective. I couldn't go back to Mumbai with so much trauma going through my mind. I had a couple of days up in my sleeve. I spend the last two days of my stay at home with my parents and talking to them really eased me out. My return ticket was scheduled for Oct 21 '09.


Back in Mumbai; From Oct 22, '09 I got deeply involved in my work. I was putting in extra effort to get myself in shape, and my efforts were proving successful. Success is always a receipe for lifting your spirits. A couple of highly successful endeavours lifted my spirits, and here I am blogging about my state of mind.

First Anniversary

Change is the only constant .
"Will you stop talking on the phone and have your dinner?", my mother used to shout at me. Those were the days when my mobile phone would be buzzing with activity. Those were the days when I had a group of friends coming over to my place for combined study sessions. Those were the days of late night messages and chatting. Those were the days when I was blindfolded by love. Those were the days.....

It has been an year since I left college. Lot of things have changed. My outlook, perception, apprehension, thought process has seen a drastic change. The last one year has equipped me with the right tools to face an aggressive, in-compassionate world. The dark days reinvigorated my thought process and cemented my beliefs and ideologies. I am no more a pessimist, optimism has driven away any tad of pessimism that was in me during my college days. Those days, I always feared the worst, be it, attending a practical examination or on the eve of publication of result.Hence, I used to frequent the temples and try to attain solace and peace of mind. The tide has turned now, I have realized the essence of 'true faith' (my take on true faith can be read from a previous post) and hence I am no more a pessimist.

My friend circle 'was' quite an enormous one. Time has proved that it was a fallacy, and has separated the wheat from the chaff. A handful of ever reliable and dependable friends, that is what my treasure-trove is left with. They don the cap of my mentors and critics. Hats off to my dearest friends.
'A broken friendship can be soldered but will never be sound', a fact I realized over the past one year (refer to my earlier post "Token of love", if you are not a regular follower of the blog).

I was always apprehensive about leaving home and staying in a new place. I despised staying in hostels and dormitories. As part of the training program for my job, I had to leave the comfort of my home and head for Mumbai. Two months of training aimed at molding a corporate from a college grad. The initial couple of days was stressful having to mingle with a whole bunch of new people from various parts of the country. My roommate too was a guy from Bangalore, who was quite friendly and we got along well. The apprehensions flew off, as the training programs gained momentum. Thanks to the countless group tasks.
Quite contrary to what I have been at home, I visited places in Mumbai, and every weekend would be marked by a trip to a tourist spot. I had a lucky escape from the 26/11 terror attacks, thanks to our local train, which left the station 10 minutes before the attack commenced, much to the anxiety of my parents.Those were testing times for me, moments of chaos and anxiety.
The tenure in mumbai ensured that my inhibitions took a back seat. I grew beyond the realm of being a Keralite into an Indian, who could accept the wide cultural and regional diversity of my country.

My tenure in Bangalore was a fruitful one, yet I witnessed the black day in my career, thanks to the global economic recession. The lack of colour, and the routine nature of the days in office reminded me of the sweet days in college. I was missing it perhaps for the first time since college, but I felt helpless. I wondered whether this routine would make me numb. I always felt out of place in office. I pondered on whether I had come to the wrong place. Then came the layoff. I was caught unawares.

Days of trauma followed the layoff. I was staring at darkness. Two months had passed by until I had learned to live with the harsh reality. Now, I wonder, why was I upset over losing a job which never gave me a tad of satisfaction ? The profound damage to my ego (prospect of being unemployed) had driven me to the point of exasperation. No more egos or the like haunts me anymore. I feel like a free soul, and have the freedom to decide what I want to do in life (kudos to my parents, who in no way pressurize me into securing a job).

I firmly believe, what ever has happened to me has been for my good. I feel I have become a better person than an year ago. The one thing I miss now, is my friends, who have gone places owing to their job requirements.

Before I wind up, I am jotting down the proverb that i firmly believe now:

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.

PS:
One year down the lane, I may write another similar post. My view points would have changed further by then. This blog has been more like a personal diary for me, A collection of my evolving thought process.

Who am I ?

It is not the Jackie Chan movie i am talking about. One of the best things about being unemployed is, you got time at your disposal. Obviously an idle mind is a devil's workshop. I am not quite sure what instigated such a profuse thought on life. The uncertainty and insecurity of my life could have been the driving force. The introspection exercise added to the woes of my already distraught mind. I ended up with more questions than answers.

A foreword to the readers:

I am not a person who has lost interest in life. I have only documented some thoughts which seemed rational to me. Your point of view maybe antagonistic, I have no intention of reorienting your thoughts.

Who Am I?.

I know the logical answer to this query. I seek a spiritual answer; An answer that can convince me, instead of perplexing me further.

The seat of my thought lies in an unknown domain. A domain where no human research can trespass. Is it the key to unraveling the mystery shrouding each and everyone of us?. I can convincingly say that I am also part of the energy cycle. A store house of energy obtained from various sources of energy. What adds to my confusion at this juncture is the law of physics which says, Energy can neither be created nor be destroyed, it can only be recycled. What would happen to the immense amount of energy within me when I die ?. I found no answer. A scientific research into this aspect may answer it.

The next imposing thought was on the lines of the purpose of my life. Why does mother nature need me or for that matter anyone of us?. This has been the most baffling question. Even many days of introspection didn't seem to clear the air. A glitch in the thought process could have resulted in this. I seek an answer from you.

Forget the imbroglio, lot of things came through. If the concept of recycling of energy is inapplicable to humans, it means we have only one life (keeping in view the concept of rebirth). In this single life, you should do what pleases your mind the most ,subject to laws of the society. Violation of the social order can lead to a not so rosy 'life'. The point I wish to convey here is, you should bear this in my mind while making consolidated decisions on your life, like career, marriage, buying a house etc.

What is the need for a career, marriage etc needs to be deliberated though.

I think I have confused you enough for now. Take a break now. Come again later to read more scintillating articles.

U are a Slave

Before you start reading,I wish to tell you,I am not a radical.My thoughts, at times maybe radical,but I don't dream of changing the society......

'An idle mind is a devil's workshop'.I was expecting to churn out a topic from that 'workshop'.Much to my dismay, I found nothing worthwhile to blog on,until yesterday night.While 'channel surfing',I came across a verse from the Bhagavad Gita,which meant,Everyman is bounded by chains.I pondered on the intricacy of that verse.
"A dog is tied to a chain,while the dog ties us to our home,without a chain".Think about it for a while.I have heard many people saying,they can't leave their house owing to the fact that they can't leave their pet dog unattended.Maybe you too would have come across such situations.You may not like to skip your favourite TV show to attend some function,and many such circumstances.There are people who are slaves to money,alcohol etc.Knowingly or unknowingly we are slaves to something or somebody.We are slaves to societal laws.We tread a familiar path,and anyone going off beat is a pervert in our society.The only people who 'live free', are the ones who have lost their mind.They are not aware of the rising inflation,fuel costs,laws and norms in society etc.They are happy in their world.
There is a thin line between what can be said as a moral obligation,and slavery.In school we are made to sit in a class,with 60 odd students,and forced to take tests,and assignments.Is this slavery??.
We seek permission from parents to go for tours and the like...Is this slavery too??..
I can present a big list of similar situations.So what is slavery??.I don't have a precise answer,but I feel,as long as we believe that we are not bounded to 'chains',we are no slaves.A key point here is,it is subjective.Interference in personal issues by our parents can be disturbing to one,while not to another.
Humans are not instinctual creatures,and hence our actions are modified by the various norms in society.If we start acting out of instinct then there would be utter chaos,in this world.So being subjected to law,though to an extent is slavery,but is highly preferable.Too many arguments and counters can be given in this regard.I am rest assured that nothing will come up with an exact solution.
All i wish to say is,never be slave to things that are immaterial in our life.One should be able to set a threshold and be capable of demarcating between good and bad.After all we need to be slaves to our own mind,for surviving in this world.