Saturday, May 29, 2010

Subtle emotions

The debacle at Siemens had strengthened my will power and determination. I was the master of my self. I knew when and where to draw the line. I had the notion carved into my mind, that I should only have professional relationships with my colleagues. Equidistant to everybody, that was the line. I might come across as selfish. I am being factual.

Somewhere over the last three months, I let off my guard. I have a healthy number of friends with whom, I can share my problems, personal and work related. I am becoming more and more dependent on them. I enjoy the time when we have tea together in the evening, where we take a real break from research and unwind. I am elated when they join me for my weekly temple visits, and stuff.

The story was very different few months back. I had the same personal problems (nothing serious though) then too. I used my logic to reason it out and solve the issues. My parents would lend an ear whenever something was not going great at work. I was happy in my little world too.

Why am I writing such a post?
Well there are a few reasons. A weird incident, with a couple of friends, who went for tea, without calling me. I felt really hurt and isolated. Made me wonder, How could I be hurt, by a trivial incident. I felt weird about myself, and left me pondering. I realized I was being dependent on people.Emotions had capsized my logical reasoning. A trend which I had vouched would never happen to me.

Then there is this girl, whom I had seen, a few times in department. I started developing a 'crush' for this girl. Well, this was the worst, that could happen to me. I despise the prospect of a crush, and falling head over heels in love with this girl or any other girl for that matter. I had vouched to go by my parent's discretion quite sometime back.

Serious introspection was required as to why this was happening to me. I realized, I had let the flood gates of my mind open to subtle emotions. I realize the subtle emotions, would make me weak at heart. There is no room for error. I have to conquer my emotions and let my rational mind take over.

Incidentally, while typing this post, the stark realization dawned upon me. I always have the option of reverting back to my previous self, in a diplomatic way, by not hurting my friends.

Dear Reader, if you find that I have gone nuts, do comment and inform me. I firmly believe in the notion, there has to be a reason for everything. Hence, I analyze and at times, when the number of variables are too large, I write it in my blog, so I can reference it at a later stage.

Total madness right !!!!..hehe..If you wanna offer help call @ 09619527371 ;)

6 comments:

Krishnakali said...

ya madness. for sure.

But I am sorry.Truly.

"Stark realization"??"revert back to my previous self"?"diplomatic way"??!!

why are we so afraid of letting a small change enter into our territory..even when we enjoy..do we really need to weigh n judge them?
Is there a barrier...why..

Sandeep said...

Diplomacy was a lavish term !!! I meant, my frnds wud not realize it coming..Can camouflage d transition..

It was not the action of my frnds tat evoked such a strong thgts, but my response to the situation.

Ya change is necessary n is constant.It is human nature to resist change, and I am no exception. There are times wen u need to weigh them n judge them. The barrier is determined by n number of factors !!!

Sreehari H said...

emotional turmoil!!! are u kidding?
good or bad, you got to welcome things and emotions. the same old way seems monotonous.

Abhi said...

Why should you have a problem over developing a crush towards a girl? I can't understand the logic behind that. Human beings are emotional people and they do require emotional support and the times when we don't have parents and relations nearby we tend to go for that with our friends! I've always had a good time with my friends and never had any emotional problems with them, the subtle kind or the not-so-subtle one's too!

I feel it is NORMAL to let your guard down and be human :)

Sandeep said...

@abhi n Sreehari

Seems like i was more at ease wid my previous state of affairs. Anyway, change happens n I gt to accept it. I guess d dilemma had such a simple solution attached to it :)

Sandeep said...

@all

Thanks for ur valuable feedback n comments. Was really helpful